While most people” find themselves” by the age of 50, I am totally lost at 52. Lost about what to do with my life; where I should be; what my beliefs are. Generally, who I am. This is the time when my 15 year old daughter is attending talks in school about what career option are available out there, that they can train for. While here I am, after having thrashed my legal career in Kenya, and “temporarily” relocating to Goa, India, totally lost. All I ever wanted to be was my own person, and all I ever did was be the person, everyone else wanted me to be, until I was so many people’s idea of whom I should be, that I forgot who I was. My dreams and confidence eroded gradually, as I plodded along, until it all came crashing down.
I live with my strong- minded 80 year old mother, whom I have been trying to please all my life. I am a single mother of a girl, that looks younger than her age, but filled with wisdom and talent, far beyond her age. Unlike me. Her father and I were married for like 2 seconds, and he happily gave me full custody of our daughter and a divorce , when I asked for them. He basically abandoned us, like everyone else when my career fell through.
I am the last born of 5 siblings to Goan parents who migrant to Kenya from Goa, India. They put me through some of the best schools in the country, and I was obligated to lift the status of the family. Which I did, until I fell from grace, was banished and now live in guilt and shame. This basically has defined me in the last 10 years.
Yet, through all of my life experience, there are profound lessons learnt, crazy moments, at the same time comical things that have happened. All I can say is that I lived. I went out there and took risks with my life, and sometime there were good result and sometimes I got badly burnt. But, I lived.
At times, the faded dreams seem to vaguely emerge, and I recall how much I wanted to be a writer, but whenever I put “pen to paper” I felt that I am not good enough, that I have no style or the skills to be a writer. So I gave up. What’s more, is that and I am afraid of revealing myself, expertly hiding my true self, having a life-time of experience at it. I am afraid to be honest with you all out there, afraid of the judgements and critiques. Yet, I know that in order to grow I need to accept who I am and embrace the critiques. It may take time for me to be brutally honest, but for now I will write about easier issues.
I want to write for me, for my growth and dig through the pile of experience, to unclog and free my dreams. The dream to tell stories. My stories; and those of family members, who have passed away and; of those who are still alive. I want to honour them and immortalised for the future generations. They might be mundane, but they lived their lives the best they could, with all our dysfunctions.
I want to express my disdain for the oppression against the underdogs in India and around the world. The fury I feel, when men undermine women, or the “poor” get to take land from land owner for free, because of some faulty laws. I want to have a voice, and express what I believe, when I find out what I really believe in. Right now the only emotion I feel, is anger and frustration. About my past, my life now and how slowly things are moving in my life, here in Goa.
Perhaps then I can deal with my overweight, something I grappled with since I was 12yers old. I stress- eat, which exacerbates my Candida, whose only cure is a sugar-free, gluten-free, processed food free diet. All of which I crave for when I am stressed, and I am stressed all the time. It adds to my low self esteem.
So, this is who I am. My blog is a journey of self discovery. I request you to please support me through my insanity, to find the light .